It is easier this late in my transition. Reframing that is. Earlier this week I had an interview for a professional opportunity. It wasn’t my finest hour. At the end of the day I am disappointed in myself. Transition is full of learnings – successes and failures. I thought today I might share a little about how I’ve learned to reconcile the less than stellar events along the way….
At this moment I am frustrated with myself for not doing better. The rich data and conclusions that I had to share barely came out. In the moments since I have comforted myself with a continuous stream of negative self-talk. Ever been there? How could I have blown it? In a spectacular fashion I might add…..
In my book I talk about techniques to help us reframe a situation. Re-framing contributes in two ways; it acknowledges that there will be hits and misses during transition, and it embraces perspective – an incredible gift. In transition we need to learn from the misses but not get stalled by them.
In my book I introduce a technique called externalizing. It helps you bring objectivity to an experience. It asks women to change adjectives to nouns. By adopting this approach I would say, “you are not the problem. The problem is the problem.” For example a friend of mine is very angry about her transition’s length. The anger is a mix of many emotions – including shame and a real fear that she’ll never be able to get the job she desires. She is very connected to how it might look – this extended job search.
For her this technique would ask her to change an adjective – like being angry – to a noun. Instead of saying, “I am so angry,” the woman would talk about “How long the anger had been influencing her.” The technique challenges my friend to redirect her energy away from negative self-talk and towards more positive activities. It puts separation between her and her emotions.
Nelson Mandela in his Long Walk to Freedom said, “do not judge me by my success. Judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.”
I find that my stumble earlier in the week was a gift. It helped me recalibrate – at a critical time. It brought me back to reality. I had been a bit untethered.
Why?
A week or so ago my publisher asked me for a list of people who could possibly write a forward for my book. Not all books get forwards. The mere question sent me into the stratosphere. It was a sign – a good sign – she and her publishing house really believe in my project.
The gap between these two experiences was sobering. The gift is that it has helped me hunker down on finishing the book. It reminded me of the importance of bringing honesty to the experience of transition. An honesty that from my viewpoint know one has cared to do before. Yes there are painful days – even those days when the pain is self-inflicted.
Your transition will be characterized by wins and losses. I hope that you have the presence of mind to bring objectivity and grace to your worst moments. Within each is a gift – waiting for an appropriate frame.
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